Beating myself up...

It's something I do well. Lately I've not been treating myself the best. I've been a little down. It's weird how these feelings tend to feed on themselves.

If you've ever dealt with depression yourself, you'll know how hard you can be on yourself when you're down. I am my own worst enemy.But I hide it well.

And I'm disappointed. I'm an angry man right now. Some of this stems from isolation. Now, frankly, I don't live too far away from my mates. Surely a visit every now and then would be ok. But sometimes I feel like I might as well live in another state. I live in a wonderful place. There is so much here. The ocean, the cliffs, the nature walks, the bays, the food and drink. It's an amazing place. The walks around the harbour from The Spit to Manly are world class. So, then I think it's me. Maybe I'm not super company. I beat myself up.

I know that's not true. But that's just the thing. I know I'm beating myself up.

Other times, you know, if you plan to do something simple, like just go to the gym, you feel tired, feel work stressed, thinking about stuff going on in your family, and you think "I just want to go home and stop". When I don't go to the gym... I beat myself up. I look in the mirror, and I'm not there. I don't like what I see. I'm a fucking grown man and yet I have hang-ups that hold me back.

Little things... they get to you. I beat myself up. But anyway...

I feel like this every now and then. For me, that's my depression. I'm aware of it. I'm VERY aware when it's enveloping me. I wake up on the floor after numbing myself. But, it's not some dark cloud. It's not some weird fog. It's just anger, disappointment and loneliness. These days I have high expectations of myself... When I don't achieve, I beat myself up. But I hide it well. We all feel these things. Don't we?

But, I have this blog. It allows me to say what I'm feeling. I don't share my inner feelings too often. I'm not the sort of man who would share this with his mates, yet, I will share it here. Depression is insidious. If you don't suffer from it, then I would never expect you to understand the spiral. Sometimes, every now and then, that spiral is fast and dives deep. It's dangerous. It can be very dangerous.

This post is one of those that I would usually never publish. But here goes...


FurryLilFucker said...

It makes me sad to read you're going through a depression, mister. But I am glad you have a place to express yourself. Keep your chin up and know there's people who are happy to listen and help however they can.

Peter said...

I know that feeling, and do nothing about myself because I also know it wont last long. My life is so much better after I was forced to stop working.
Hope you talk about your feelings and uncertainties with your friends, its good to have a shoulder to cry on from time to time.

Campbell said...

Hopefully this blog helps you feel slightly less isolated at these time Muz. Thinking of you.

h&b said...

Yep, yep & yep.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be one of those oblivious people who walk around vacant and smiling and are always the last to know and shocked to find that *person A* was a con-artist, a wife-basher, married, a closet drug-user etc. I think 'how nice must it be not to carry the weight?'

My mind never shuts off, never rests - and I never forget a goddamn thing. Which is great, but also shite, when just as you're trying to retire, it chooses some obscure humilating moment to replay in slo-mo that happened 10 or 20years ago ( hey brain, LET IT GO! )

So not only do I beat myself up about the here&now, I also don't cut any slack for the girl in high school, or in her early 20's. It's harsh living in me. I'm mean and unforgiving. I wish sometimes it could be different - i'd love to be more carefree and .. well .. free..

But like you, I have a good life, I live in a place I love, with people I love. I worked hard to be this person, so why can't I enjoy it?

This too will pass, this too will pass. I hope your 'downs' are shortlived and you can see through them, are aware of them, know they will pass.

And can I just say how fucking awesome that pic is? I love it - the lighting is perfect and did you PS the FightClub effects ( I hope so, otherwise you are one banged-up dude! ). Awesome work, my man, awesome work.

Always speak out - it's amazing the support you will gain, and surprising how many "me toos" you will find.

Be good to yourself x

Monty said...

Muz, that was me before I "came out"...for me, it was that feeling that nothing I did mattered because it wasn't the REAL me doing it. I felt isolated, although surrounded by friends. And it took me several months of having a "good hard talk to myself" before I actually did anything about it. Sometimes, it doesn't look like there's an end to it, but there is. Sometimes you can drag yourself out of it, sometimes you need some friends to help you. You know who your friends are and you know that if you asked them, they would help in an instant! Sometimes just asking is the hardest thing to do. But if you do, you'll be surprised at the reaction you'll get - people do genuinely care about you and would love to give you a shoulder. Big hug mate!

wcs said...

Awareness is a beautiful thing. Think of how many people never achieve it.

Adaptive Radiation said...

Am really sorry to see that you're not in a good place at the moment Muz. You have such a beautiful energy. I really hope you find it again soon.

Victor said...

We rarely know what is really going on in another person's mind and it comes as a shock when you discover someone is battling demons when you weren't aware of their difficulties.

I'm in awe of your talents and the person I see in your blog and I hope you find the comfort and reassurance you seek really soon.

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for sharing your very personal thoughts. By reading what you had to say, you are hurting right now and the term "Beating yourself up..." sums it up perfectly. You will be back to your proactive, upbeat self again. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it, that is the biggest mistake people, especially men make with depression. I'm currently going through almost exactly what you describe right now, I saw my Doctor about it yesterday. Just by talking about it helps, I'd be interested to know if writing about it here as you just did has helped. Make sure that you have at least one dependable person whom you can call and talk to if that dark cloud does roll in. Your in my thoughts Muz, I look forward to continuing to follow your blog.

kim at allconsuming said...

I just wish I'd read this when you wrote it. Hope a few days up North have gone some distance to lifting the mind and body.

I know where you are. I know how insidious it can be.

You are not alone.
You are loved.

This too shall pass.

mykel said...

i would like to say i feel your pain, but i can't. we all walk this walk alone in some ways. What i can say is that i can relate, and i am hoping for you things have shifted a little since you wrote this.

be gentle muz. x

Rohan said...

i totally understand having battled depression, isolation and loneliness for a long time. Take time to write it down even if its not to publish but to just throw away. It gets it out of you and aids the understanding and niggling feelings.
You are not alone even though sometimes you feel lonely. You have friends, family and many people who love u for the rascal u are.

Call me when in melbourne mister! we are overdue for a beer and chat!