It's something I do well. Lately I've not been treating myself the best. I've been a little down. It's weird how these feelings tend to feed on themselves.
If you've ever dealt with depression yourself, you'll know how hard you can be on yourself when you're down. I am my own worst enemy.But I hide it well.
And I'm disappointed. I'm an angry man right now. Some of this stems from isolation. Now, frankly, I don't live too far away from my mates. Surely a visit every now and then would be ok. But sometimes I feel like I might as well live in another state. I live in a wonderful place. There is so much here. The ocean, the cliffs, the nature walks, the bays, the food and drink. It's an amazing place. The walks around the harbour from The Spit to Manly are world class. So, then I think it's me. Maybe I'm not super company. I beat myself up.
I know that's not true. But that's just the thing. I know I'm beating myself up.
Other times, you know, if you plan to do something simple, like just go to the gym, you feel tired, feel work stressed, thinking about stuff going on in your family, and you think "I just want to go home and stop". When I don't go to the gym... I beat myself up. I look in the mirror, and I'm not there. I don't like what I see. I'm a fucking grown man and yet I have hang-ups that hold me back.
Little things... they get to you. I beat myself up. But anyway...
I feel like this every now and then. For me, that's my depression. I'm aware of it. I'm VERY aware when it's enveloping me. I wake up on the floor after numbing myself. But, it's not some dark cloud. It's not some weird fog. It's just anger, disappointment and loneliness. These days I have high expectations of myself... When I don't achieve, I beat myself up. But I hide it well. We all feel these things. Don't we?
But, I have this blog. It allows me to say what I'm feeling. I don't share my inner feelings too often. I'm not the sort of man who would share this with his mates, yet, I will share it here. Depression is insidious. If you don't suffer from it, then I would never expect you to understand the spiral. Sometimes, every now and then, that spiral is fast and dives deep. It's dangerous. It can be very dangerous.
This post is one of those that I would usually never publish. But here goes...