I'm happy. People notice this. It's long but...

how often do I really give away anymore than a tiny snapshot?

Today I wasn't feeling crash hot. I seriously struggled to get out of bed. It hurt to move. My eyes were crusty. They hurt to open. Hurt even more to close again. I lay there in my bed. Looked at the time and still had half an hour until the alarm was to go off. For as long as I can remember I've been waking up before the alarm. Thoughts ran through my head like:

• I wonder what would happen if I didn't go into work?
• I could easily stay here because it doesn't hurt if I lay still and don't move.
• Stupid eyes.
• Oh crap, I'm going to have to move now anyway because I have to pee - badly.

It was that last thought that made me attempt to lift my head off the pillow. Ow. It was my torso moving that hurt as I lifted myself up. You know, I find when I make the decision to get up, there is nothing that will stop me. NOTHING. It's like: God help me if I change my mind now. To the loo. As I stand there, I have a few more moments to think.

• Geez, look at that. It's soooo yellow this morning.
  
• I wonder if not flushing during the night really makes a difference.
• I'm so sleepy, what if I didn't go to work today?
• I wonder if I could actually go back to sleep?

Nope. No chance. I had made the decision to get up. To my left, on the towel hooks, were my boardshorts. Ah-ha! Go for a swim. That will wake me up. I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and wandered to the beach. No shower, just mussy hair, pushed to one side from my pillow. Ol' sleepy head was out on the street walking to the beach. Mind you, this is 6:30am so it's not like I'm going to EVER bump into anyone.

The surf was a little rougher today than yesterday. Yesterday it was flat, I could see fish and stingrays swimming around me. Today - nothing. Just foam from the broken waves. But just the same as yesterday, and the day before, walking into the surf and picking just the right wave to dive under was refreshing.

Hey, have you ever noticed that down at the beach, at that time of morning, there are always the 65 plus crowd in the surf? They.are.always.there! I noticed this throughout the year. Even in winter. Actually, especially in winter. No one else even bothers to go in during winter, but they oldies are ALWAYS in the surf.

From out in the surf I glanced back to the HUGE clock on the side of the surf-club and realised that I better get a move on. I'm running late.

• Breakfast: Banana cut up in my home made muesli
• Quick glance online through my fave top design blogs
• Try to feed Blanket and Snuggie.
• Puzzled to figure out WHY Blanket and Snuggie have both stopped eating.

So to work. *insert sound: tape fast forwarding*My eyes hurt. I feel super tired. An "incident" at work has me BAFFLED. I wonder:

• My god, aren't YOU payed a fortune to.know.these.things?
• Hang on... I know the answer to this! I could probably show off a little here.
• I would like a coffee. Coffee coffee coffee.
• Hanging out with Mark is great.

What?!

• Hanging out with Mark is great.

By the end of today, the day I actually felt rather crap, I had three people tell me I look happy! Hmmm, I think about that...

• 10 days out from turning 40.
• FORTY.
• My eyes hurt. I really can't see stuff very well ( and my career depends on seeing!)
• People wonder why I haven't been riding my bike much

Oh -

• AND I am very happy.

I'm am so freakin' happy right now. It's a bizarre feeling.

I wrote this the other night:
Every now and then something good comes along.
Every now and then someone great comes along.
You know its good because you realise you're scared you'll lose it.
You realise you don't want to lose it because you KNOW you'll miss it when it's gone.
You realise this because you're lying there, thinking about it - holding your spare pillows, wishing it was them, and you're alone.
And you dread the day they leave your life.

I'm happy. People notice this.